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The Revolution need to find someone to replace defender Avery John. (Photo Credit: CHRIS ADUAMA/aduama.com) |
But this is way too early to start with the cynicism. The stove's not yet hot. Allow me to stoke it with the most combustible stuff I can find, some outlandish ideas for big name acquisitions.
First and foremost, the Revolution need an attacking central midfielder. They never replaced Clint Dempsey except with Andy Dorman, who has now replaced himself with an empty locker. Steve Ralston did well to take up that role late in the season and help the team get more possession, but he's a better crosser of the ball than nearly anyone in the league. Nicol needs him back on the wing.
So clearly the answer is to prize Rui Costa away from Benfica. Costa will be 35 next year, but still has enough gas in the tank to run the best midfield in Portugal, so I'm guessing he'd cut it in MLS. Though he's currently on victory tour in his home country after a long career in Italy, that tour could continue credibly here in New England where the Portuguese community could be convinced to come and see the best playmaker their country has ever produced without having to add bacalao to the concessions menus. You’d make back what you would have to pay him in ticket and shirt sales.
But that isn't going to happen. I mean, come on. Rui Costa coming to New England would be as crazy as David Beckham moving from Real Madrid to LA Galaxy on a free transfer. We're talking unicorn magic here.
Back to planet Earth now. How about Dwight Yorke? Three years ago I would have said forget it. The guy is too busy shagging supermodels to get any soccer played, but then he went off to Australia and remembered that he really like to play the game, and now he's so soccer mad that he's voluntarily gone to the Northeast of England to play for Roy Keane. Again, unicorn magic.
I know the Trinidadi population of New England isn't enormous, but here's a classy midfielder on the back end of his career (read: he's affordable) who will be able to understand some of what comes out of Steve Nicol's mouth without the subtitle machine they keep by the sideline for everyone on else on the team.
Oh, here's another crazy one: Alessandro del Piero. He's probably too sexy for our shirt, but now that Serie A has really passed him by, he might want to come stateside and build his brand before returning to Italy to become president of Juventus. One more big pay day! One more ego-stroking season in America! There are enough Italians in southern New England to make this pay for the Revs off the field, too. A guy like del Piero would probably prefer to play in New York, but once Mike Burns explains to him that the Energy Drinks play in New Jersey and that they couldn't win an MLS Cup with thirteen players on the field, New England will become a natural second choice.
And finally, because the Revs are looking awfully thin defensively now that both James Riley and Avery John are on their way out, I'll add one more absolutely brilliant, they-should-pay-me-a-commission idea: Roberto Carlos for left back. Carlos is playing in Turkey now for Fenerbace, only for the money. Believe me. It's only for the money, though I hear the beach is quite nice at...um...my keyboard doesn't have the requisite characters to type any of the place names, but suffice it to say that the beaches are nice in Turkey, and Brazilians love beaches. I know about twenty Brazilians, and they all love the beach. That's science.
Anyway, the local Brazilian populace would make this a no-brainer for the Kraft Family from a monetary perspective. And technically, Carlos is a left back, which we need. You won't find him in the defensive half of the field often, but as long as we're tripping through Cloud Cuckoo Land eating candy canes and wearing a giant hat shaped like a mushroom, we might as well pencil him in.
When is opening day again?
Emlyn Lewis can be reached at emlynlewis@comcast.net.
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